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Friday, April 1, 2011

OUTSIDE THE MARGINS - A NOVEL BY LIZ LEMON

     Liz stabbed Jenna repeatedly but it wasn’t that she didn’t like Jenna, she did like her, once, before she really knew her. But things had changed.

     It turned out that Jenna could be really annoying. Her voice was like a spiky ice pick in your ear, eyes, nose, mouth and soul. She had a weird way of using her hands when she talked. It looked like she had animated mannequin hands that were being operated by a string pulled by Satan. Jenna could smile, she did know how to do that in semi-believable fashion, but she could be insanely controlling and condescending and downright vicious and cruel. She loved the smell of heartbreak in the morning. The smell of heartbreak inspired her to live at full speed. Another thing that bothered Liz was that Jenna loved to use her access to riches to create cliques of greedy people. She would make these people dependent on her, so dependent that they would call her “Mother” and then she would use her greedy flock like human weapons against the people she hated. Jenna didn’t hate everyone, she only hated the people with no power and no desire to crush others to get power, because they had something she could never have,  good intentions, innocent hearts and sensitive souls. She hated these people because they did not have anything she wanted and she could not control them with free “things”.  She did not trust people who did not want her free “things” enough to stomach her. People who did not want her free “things” had to be removed and replaced by people who worshipped things like Jenna did. People who loved things more than they loved people were the only people Jenna ever pretended to love.

     When you calculate all of Jenna’s human worth it is obvious that there isn’t much there, so stabbing her might seem like a reckless way to deal with someone who could never really have a lasting impact on anything of value. It might seem like a waste of Liz’s liberty to risk jail and the electric chair to rid the Earth of someone so spiritually corrupt and materialistic, but if you knew Liz you would understand that Liz wasn’t just stabbing Jenna to free herself from having to know Jenna. Liz was stabbing Jenna to save humanity from being swallowed up whole by Jenna’s vapid and determined ambition to use her growing celebrity to infect the entire world with her “ways”. Jenna had made it clear on many occasions, it was Jenna’s way or the highway and Liz avoids highways. Liz prefers, winding, tree-lined, unusual, beautiful, complicated, character laden side streets and cul de sacs to highways and their merciless stretches of forever perfect asphalt lined with serial killers in wait at truck stops and high speed accidents involving death. A world filled with highways, filled with Jenna’s highways was the worst thing Liz could imagine, therefore it was time to kill Jenna.

     When shopping for the weapon she was going to use to kill Jenna she was delighted to find a knife set on sale at Bed, Bath and Beyond. She also bought six guns on Ebay and a bear trap from a hunting magazine that she found in the trash at her gym. She also bought a backpack full of grenades, a gallon of dangerous poison and a book on how to kill people with your hands. The guns turned out to be cap guns. The bear trap was rusted shut. The gallon of poison  burned a hole through her closet floor and wound up in the basement of her building where her super used it to make meth. The book was too hard to understand because of all the arabic writing in the margins and without someone to practice the techniques on it was impossible to know if the book was just a bunch of macho B.S. Besides it seemed wrong to kill others in an attempt to perfect her Jenna-killing technique. Liz didn’t like the idea of innocent victims–at all! Innocent victims; that was Jenna’s thing. Liz wanted nothing to do with Jenna’s things.

- From OUTSIDE THE MARGINS, A Novel by Liz Lemon

30 ROCK PROP - SEASON 5 - EPISODE 522