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Wednesday, August 10, 2011

My Book About Kim Writing A Book

Kim held her pen and thanked God for her ample posterior. A good ass is the most crucial part of being a writer cuz sitting all day is hard.

"What should I write about?" Kim wondered. Then it hit her. "I know! I will write about me, but it won't be me, cuz I don't wanna get sued."

"It's OK, even if I do get sued." the buxom brunette realized. "My dad was a lawyer and they are even more powerful after death."

Her pen touched the paper. "Oh no. I've only seen pens and paper on TV!" She had no idea what to do next, or if she needed condoms to do it.

"I'll call my mom. She'll write my book." Kim called her mom, Kris who answered the phone with the newer side of her face. It hears better.


Kris was always happy to hear from her daughter Kim as long as they always stayed away from subjects that made her realize how old she was.

Kris had plastic surgery planned and she needed to use her hands to rest before surgery. She couldn't write Kim's book for her and it hurt.

Kim called her sister, not the ugly, fat one. Her other sister was too busy resenting her to answer and couldn't delete Kim's vm fast enuf.

"What will I do if I can't write this book?", Kim wondered aloud to her breasts. Her breasts gave her an idea. She knew they would.

"Good idea, Tits! I'll ask my ass what to do!" Kim bent over in front of a mirror that wasn't big enough to catch the entire conversation.

Angry Kim demanded that her assistant find a mirror big enough for her to see her whole ass. Her assistant laughed and was gladly fired.

Now, left all alone Kim's situation was getting dire. "How can I be an author and a celebrity and not have an assistant. I need at least 2."

"Writing a book is so hard." For a moment Kim considered suicide, then realized how sad that would be to do without a camera crew present.

Kim looked out the window, and there it was! A mirror big enough to see her ass in! It was the giant, glass building across the street.

In the reflection of the skyscraper Kim looked her ass right in the eyes. Her ass looked back asking Kim, "What the fuck do you want now?"

Kim was surprised that her ass was being so rebellious. "Geez, I was just going to ask you to write my book for me, bitch. But forget it!"

Kim's massive ass fired back, "I got you that book deal! Don't you forget it, fame hooker from hell!" Kim cringed. It was true, all of it!

"So, does this mean you won't write my book for me?", Kim asked her ass. Her ass wished it could walk away from her. There was no escape.

No escape for Kim's ass, and no escape for Kim. She'd have to sit down and write her own book, and that was going to be the hard part.

"Wait. I can still ask my other sister to write my book." Kim was relieved to have that other sister, "Even if her face damages my brand."

Kim worried. She always got nervous when she called her fat, ugly sister. "They really should invent a cure so I can love her without fear."

Kim's fat, ugly sister was at a modeling gig and unable to answer her phone because it's hard to get a cell phone signal in the Bronx zoo.

The deadline for Kim's book was looming. She still had no ideas. With nothing to lose but a reputation built on murder and porn she wrote...

Kim wrote from her heart, like great writers do! She wrote in a fever! She wrote in a dream, a panic, to tell the story she needed to tell!

Kim wrote her name all by herself! She wondered if she had an artist put "KIM" in a million sexycool fonts, if that would constitute a book.

Kim's editor said no one would buy a book filled with "KIM" written "in a million sexycool fonts." The editor's diplomas leapt off the wall.

Kim got back to the old drawing board which was not as old as her mother.

Writer's block meant Kim's literary image was in great peril. She looked up "litterre" and "perol" in the dictionary but couldn't find them.

Then she had an idea for a book. What if she interviewed all the people who can't find stuff in dictionaries and told them how to dress?

"Another good idea for a book could be interviewing all the people who think Kim is hotter than her sisters.", Kim suggested.

Then it dawned on Kim, she is supposed to be writing a novel, so it has to be fake, like a story, where her sisters are pretty, like she is.

"Once upon a time, there was a princess who had two sisters as beautiful as she was..." Kim tried to go on but it was cruel to dream so big.

I'm interrupting MY book about Kim Kardashian writing a book to tell you consumer confidence is down because people like Kim get book deals.



This book was originally live tweeted back when a certain celebrity idiot got a book deal.

Kim Kardashian is writing a book and SO AM I!

Just found out that Kim Kardashian is writing a book so I am going to write a book ABOUT Kim Kardashian writing a book and I am going to write it here. I'll be right back, I am going to go have a lobotomy to get into the proper mindset to act out Kim on paper. Thank you.

UPDATE: The book is being written on Twitter in real time.
http://twitter.com/#!/politicalcomic