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Monday, November 18, 2013

I Am George! Hear Me Roar!



Mojica Fitzgerald Kennedy flashing two peace symbols.


By Kent Wehaul-Justgitalong
Staff Writer

NEW YORK CITY, N.Y. – Our noble publisher, Mojica Fitzgerald Kennedy, a political cartoonist who was a vocal and ardent supporter of Occupy Wall Street has had a sudden change of heart after discovering the group has blocked her from interacting with them on Twitter. “Not only was I blocked but I discovered it while I was trying to retweet in support of Jeremy Hammond who exposed US plans to criminalize democratic dissent in America. The irony is almost too much to (explitive) believe.”
     OWS, the organization known for spitting at police officers and raping girls in tents appears to think MFK is too dangerously radical to be a member of the 99%. “What did I do that was so wrong? I drew a few politicians in weird, humiliating outfits while forcing them to speak in raw, easy-to-understand street lingo to describe the violent, evil deeds they get paid to do all day. I’m only translating the boring murderers we elected into something more cuddly and commercially pleasing so as we hurtle toward our collective doom we can have a few laughs on the way. You know kind of like the musicians on the Titanic. Do the gig, no matter what. Keep it light. Obviously OWS has a problem with my corporate edge. But you know, I think there is room for me in the 99%, every political revolution needs translators to help with peaceful negotiations and I speak Imperialist Dick rather fluently.”
    Imperialist Dick indeed. Mojica has been gainfully employed as an artist and writer by almost every giant corporation on Earth. An anonymous source close to the situation says it is exactly that success that has caused Mojica Fitzgerald Kennedy’s exclusion from the Occupy Wall Street’s reindeer games. “MFK is a threat to their image. OWS is an organization run by faceless people who are telling everyone it is impossible to find a job, even with a pricey college education. Mojica made the mistake of having a face, being totally uneducated, and throwing her phone out the window to avoid overworking. She is the opposite of OWS in many ways and the fact that she was too stupid to see it isn’t the fault of OWS. She is totally to blame for the situation she is in.” And Mojica can’t help but agree. “Look, I like being creative for money and I like partying with sales people and I got in over my head and before I knew it my resume was like 25 pages long. What can I say? I’m not really sorry and I am sorry about that.”
     Mojica’s impoverished beginnings made her affectionate for what she thought OWS represented: militant support for the working class. “I know how it is when you work so hard and still have nothing to show for it and need help in America. I want to live in an America where there is room for everyone and the economic playing field is fair and I guess a group of (explitive), faceless (explitive) leaders weren’t the best people to trust with my good (explitive) intentions. It’s just like Oprah told me on twitter recently, ”Do not put your pearls before swine.” Yes, Oprah tweeted me. See for yourself, scroll through my twitter feed. I told you I roll with the most powerful titans of American Industry.” Then Mojica stops smiling like a sociopath and her expression takes a very somber turn. “Even the dead ones.”
     Yes. The dead ones. Maybe it is a creepy, evil, publicity ploy, but according to Mojica, “My whole turn toward political cartooning and performance art happened after the ghost of JFK Jr. spoke to me. See, I started working at Hachette after his death. I think it was my destiny to work with him. The military industrial complex, who had both he and his father assassinated, had other plans but they never accounted for the persistance of the human spirit! 
   "Anyway the Hachette big wigs invited me to a meeting to get to know me. I was doing very impressive work, they said. I didn’t realize it at first but the meeting was in JFK Jr’s old office. I asked the big wigs to let me keep George Magazine alive online. I was pitching how it could be profitable online and how as a brand it was so relevant and unique and important. I suddenly heard a voice telling me to forget the people at Hachette. The voice was moving around the room, pacing, heartbrokenly agitated, telling me these people didn’t get George, the voice told me to take the vision  for George and run. The voice told me in no uncertain terms to please, take my talent and run, to get the (explitive) out of there and do it right NOW. But I ignored the voice and went back to my desk to work for ELLE, which was hell, and time passed.
      “Over the next couple of years at Hachette my health declined, 9/11 happened, I gained 60 pounds, my relationship with my boyfriend evaporated as he became a leader in the Young Republicans and my arch nemesis. Most of the people at Hachette deeply despised my increasingly political personality, but they still wanted my profitable ideas, so they relegated me to the very end of a long empty hallway where I sat by myself in a cubicle jammed with massive mahogany executive office furniture. It was given to me by a sympatehtic V.P. who quit and wanted to let me know I was a corporate giant deep down inside my big, revolutionary, working class heart. In hindsight it is plain to see that my deterioration was the Kennedy curse for my not listening to John John right away. I was so lost. I needed a sign to know what to do next. So I sat in my cubicle and I said a prayer, I said, ‘I can’t do this (explitive) corporate (explitive) (explitive) (explitive) one more (explitive) day or I am gonna (explitive) kill (explitive) myself.’ and then like a miracle, my phone rang, and it never rang, ever, so I knew it was a sign from the heavens. I picked it up and on the other end was the Dave Chappelle Show calling to ask me to be their graphic designer. I knew JFK Jr. and all my allies in the afterlife pulled some strings to save my soul and put the George Revolution back on track!”
     The story sounds insane but as MFK tells it, one can’t help but see quite clearly she truly believes these supernatural events happened and no amount of psychiatric re-conditioning will convince her of anything otherwise. When asked why the ghost of John John would trust a total nobody Puerto Rican from the ghetto, with no education or pedigree, to keep the George Revolution alive MFK gets dead serious.
    “John wanted to arouse political interest in people who were becoming more and more apatehtic due to being systematically disenfranchised by the imperial elite. I come from the Land of the Disenfranchised and I speak that language too.
     "When I was born, the nurses in the hospital marveled over me as I came out of the womb with a full head of dark hair, perfectly parted to the left, slicked back in an Elvis-like 'do. I was a cheerfully thuggish, little baby girl and they nicknamed me George. To cause creative, entertaining, political chaos in the joyfully, hard-hitting, whip smart, subversive spirit of George is my destiny! The ghost of JFK Jr. chose to speak to me that day because I am George, and I always have been and I always will be! So fuck OWS for not having room for the ghost of America's noble Prince of the People, John Fitzgerald Kennedy Jr. who happens to be working directly through me. America is running out of time to save it's soul and there is no room in this revolution for politics as usual."

November 25, 1960 – July 16, 1999




Sunday, November 17, 2013

Maniacs' Almanac BLOCKED BY OCCUPY WALL STREET

BREAKING NEWS

Our noble publisher Mojica Fitzgerald Kennedy has crossed an invisible line in the revolution...

We repeat:

Our noble publisher Mojica Fitzgerald Kennedy has crossed an invisible line in the revolution... War is imminent.