Another year goes by and the American people could be full of reflection: What have we done? What have we invented? Who have we inspired? Yet in spite of these thought provoking quandries a new Kardashian plastic surgery scandal has distracted America from any real collective introspection. The people who are responsible for approving the news headlines are focusing all of our attention on the Kardashians–again. The leaders of the press refuse to move our collective ideals toward progress. They refuse to bash us repeatedly with any peaceful wisdom that may have transpired over the last 365 days of our shared existence. They refuse the call of civilization even though every post on every message board on the internet expresses some human’s passionate wish, that the Kardashians would go away, forever.
That deepest wish of the majority of people living in the U.S. is going largely ignored. The leaders of the press continue putting the Kardashians on the homepage of every news site on Earth. As a result every single post on every single message board is filled with absolute hate for these Kardashians. There is a never ending avalanche of desperate pleas for someone, somewhere to help us and to, “make them go away” yet someone, somewhere is making money off of how much we hate the Kardashians. While “they” get rich, what is it costing us?
In the past human evolution was hampred by lack of electricity and running water. Now we get stalled by years of public debate about whether eldest sister Kim Kardashian had her infamous buttocks constructed artificially or not. Once it was determined that her buttocks were real, her fake marriage ensued to distract us from what truly matters, then a crackhead fled from the compound, followed by an elderly olympian who miraculously survived decades of Kaptivity. The scars of the olympian’s imprisonment can be seen in the scars on his face known as his face. Now our future as a species is being threatened by what we already knew. Kris thinks Khloe is ugly and has been wishing she would get a nose job since Khloe was a little girl.
This is not news befitting people made in God‘s image. In fact this is not news at all. We all know Kris thinks Khloe is ugly, because we all think Khloe is ugly. However Khloe is not ugly, it’s just that Kim is so pretty because Kim probably got a nose job and now she looks so perfect that anyone who stands beside her looks as ugly as her horrible, wicked, pimp-of-a-mother.
Kris, is outraged that her adult daughter Khloe had the nerve to do an interview without making sure that the interview was all about what a great mother Kris is. Mother Kris is the one who so generously let Khloe be in family photos. “Of course she is a great mother!” a source close to the mother said. “And for Khloe to betray her mother by telling the truth is an outrage, simply an outrage. Khloe is a disguting ungrateful beast of a girl. Every girl wishes she could have a cruel, vain, bitch for a mother who is willing to crush her children’s spirits. Crushing children’s spirits turns them into diamonds. Everyone knows diamonds are worth more than children.”
A source close to Khloe feels bad for Khloe. “She always knew her mom was ashamed of her because she is the illegitimate bastard that Kris conceived when Kris was acting like a drunken Hollywood slut in her first marriage.” Others who love to psychoanalyze the Kardashians instead of fixing their own lives add fire to the family drama, “That’s why Kris loves Kim the most. Kim knows how to hide how much she hates her mother, like a true star. Kim dyes her hair blonde so she doesn’t think of her raven-haired mother when she’s being a mother to baby North. Kim gets her man Kanye to hire a famous painter to paint a vicious, hideous portrait of her drunken, scheming mother standing alongside Satan on a Birkin Bag.” A Beverly Hills psychiatrist weighed in, “That is not entirely true. Kim doesn’t even realize she hates Kris, but Kim hates her so much that, and you can tell this by her body language, that Kim wants to kill Kris which is why she never says anything without her mom standing right there to censor her, because if Kim’s true feelings slip out it’s gonna come out like a flood and it isn’t going to stop until Kim puts a stilleto heel in her mothers eye socket and strangles her to death with a Louis Vuttion belt.”
While media sources move into 2014 to publicly discuss various theories about why the Kardashians do this and why they do that the rest of America is in full agreement on one thing, they want the Kardashians to disappear. They say it in the most angry, violent, terrifying ways the mob can express pure hatred without resorting to public beheadings. They do it in all caps with multiple exclamation points with intense exasperation and frustration punctuating every sentence. They want relief, but they cannot get it.
As we begin the new year let’s hope that millions of enraged Americans are finally acknowledged by the media. Let’s hope our destiny and nobility as triumphant, thinking, soulful beings in the universe reveals itself on at least one news outlet’s homepage at least once. Let us hope that our media chooses to cover what makes us great. Let us hope editors read message boards. Let’s hope, but not hold our breath.
The Kardashians are shallow, talentless idiots who are perfectly happy to be attacked and abused by millions of people on message boards every day in America. They will continue to do whatever it takes for the chance to be in the limelight, eating eachother alive, over nonsense, and as long as there are advertisers willing to pay for their mindless melees. So this is the Maniacs‘ Almanac prediction for 2014: be prepared to be trapped on the sidelines in cyberspace with no where to go but down. Gossip slinging makes big bucks for some people and Khloe still has to respond to Kris’ response and then the other sisters will have to jump in on Twitter and if one of them gets pregnant or married before that fight is over we will be hearing about them every day for at least another 9 months. By the time plastic surgeons and child psychologists get done weighing in, it will be time for Kanye to open his mouth again, but we won‘t care because he too will have been completely eclipsed by the Kardshian’s unyeilding press-presence in his Kalculated absence, and then we will need to be inundated with a million articles about the Arabian billionaire Kim is marrying next and how everyone knew that Kanye’s Kardashian-induced downfall was coming except for him–a self-proclaimed genius-how HILARIOUS. Then the editors of men’s magazines will make sure the “How Long Before We Can Fuck Baby North” countdown clock will begin ticking so loudly that as America dies no one will hear our screams.
Happy New Year!