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Friday, November 28, 2014

Baby Jesus Has The Blues

By Lou Neetunez

     Proving once again that they don’t understand the true meaning of Christmas, thousands upon thousands of Americans piled on top of each other at the Macy’s in Herald Square to save pennies on things they will be throwing away this time next year.

     Some more devout shoppers observed that while Christ may be dead greed is not. “I only have three TVs and one of them isn’t big enough to impress my neighbors who I don’t like, so I need a new one.” one shopper admitted. “I am not here buying gifts.” another crazed consumer quipped, “I buy gifts at the 99 Cent Store on Christmas eve.” 

     Next we caught up with a woman who was dying to be on camera, “I’m here buying myself some shoes. My husband says I don’t need anymore shoes, the closet is full of them, but I love making him swim through a sea of expensive stillettos to find his one pair of old sneakers.”  When her husband tries to be rescued from his marriage by blinking three times and mouthing the words “Help Me. I hate living with this selfish Bitch.” his shoe addicted wife grabs him by the throat forces him to hold her purse while she tries on another pair of shoes, “He needs to remember that he took a vow to love me for better or worse. Christmas is all about showing love. Love is about sacrifice. He should try to be more like Christ who was happy to be nailed to a piece of wood and hung up as a warning to others not to ever criticize people’s greedy behavior. Isn’t that right, honey?” 

     Luckily for the Black Friday crowd corporations love to manipulate greedy American shoppers like puppets. An employee of Macy’s, forced to work in a mosh pit full of shopping monsters shrugs and does what she has to do to pay her bills. “Retail is the best career to have if you want to see the worst in people, (if you don’t count prostitution and police work). It should pay more but my manager loves to remind me that mannequins work for free and never ask for a raise because they don’t have kids and elderly parents to support and if I want to lose my job to keep talking but otherwise I should just shut my pie hole and keep ringing people up.”

     We asked a psychologist why Americans love shopping so much on days that used to be reserved for somber and spiritual reflection. “People have abandoned deep thinking and conscientous objectives in favor of looking at celebrity asses and violent amateur porn, they no longer want to reflect on their lives because they have become worthless by today’s standards and dangerous to the future.”

     As we leave the store to file this report we are sure that we learned at least one thing: Christ would not approve of all this shopping in his name–if everything was full price, but since it’s a big sale... 


Black Friday Mayhem: Woman Injured by Falling TV and Three Arrested During Retail Chaos - Yahoo! (Ironically)

Black Friday violence erupts across country - NY Post

Black Friday Mayhem: Police called to dozens of supermarkets as shoppers fight over bargains in hunt for Christmas deals - Daily Mail