Follow Maniacs' Almanac by Email

Sunday, May 10, 2015

A Celebrity Mothers' Day Message from the Grave

Yo. Check it out! Kanye West's mother just came through on my ouija board this morning and this is what she wants me to tell Kanye.


I need to set you straight before you write more dumb editorials that are designed to help corporations ruin the world.

You are the son of educators. Thinkers. People who value knowledge above all else. You did not become an educator like us. You became an artist because you were not smart enough or humble enough to follow in our footsteps.

Unfortunately I died way too soon. You needed a lot more time to become smart enough to be left alone on Earth without me. But you know the saying, 'God needed another Angel' so here I am. And now, because of you, I need to get off my heavenly cloud on Mothers' Day, when all I really want to do is finish a nice long lunch with Maya Angelou and Jackie O.

I understand that being married to a venus fly trap requires most of a man's focus to survive the union with your nuts and bank account still intact, but recently in Paper magazine, Kanye, you said sometimes an artist has to change what they are saying in their lyrics to avoid losing a contract.

That is incorrect, son. That is only true for people willing to sell-out everything they believe in for fame and fortune. I did not raise a corporate slave so why would you say such a thing?

You don't have to accept any contract that censors your personal voice.
Are you Krazy or Konfused or Kash-strapped?
Can you please tell America that I did not teach you such offensive nonsense? Thank you.

Now if you really feel you need to change your lyrics, Kanye, to protect some busine$$ contract, then you are not an artist, you are a travel agent selling one-way tickets for a trip on a New Millennium slave-ship, and the destination is a glittering, Corplantation* where you perform for millions and millions of dollars while waving the confederate flag in working-class people's faces. You, my son, have abandoned the essential spirit of the hip hop movement to become Kanye Kardashian the Korplantation gatekeeper, and now you are telling everyone to take off their shoes and belt and be searched for offensive ideas before they create art. You are telling people to silence themselves if some revolutionary magic happens inside of their heart and mind that makes them express how unjust the world is and how unfair the divide between the rich and the poor is.

People who do anything for money are the greatest enemies that the human race has.

Oh, what a disappointment you are my dumb son.

Just because YOU are abandoning the responsibility of an artist to become the most famous 'reality' show fashion accessory in Hollywood for a few million dollars, doesn't mean every artist has to turn his back on his own personal truth, or the political reality of the world we live in, to make art. There is a huge market for the truth and it is the job of the artists and scientists and historians and educators and thinkers to expand the market for the truth by building a community of like minded creators who will not compromise the truth, or lie to people, so people's increasing demand for the truth forces corporations to give us the truth and nothing but the truth so help us God.

Why are you grabbing up as much limelight as you can just to hide the truth from illumination, Kanye? Tell the truth about what a sell-out you are and how you will do anything for money and fame. Don't lie to people and say that lying and self-censorship is the only way to survive in America. Tell the truth about what a crazy, confused dick you are. Tell the truth about all of the blood on American hands in the middle east, about all of the needless wars, about all the fur and blood diamonds your new family owns. Tell the truth about all of the systematic racism and sexism, the political prisoners, the drug war, tell the truth because there is so much that can be fixed in this world as long as people refuse to silence the truth.

Why are you suddenly so loyal to corporate interests that profit and thrive on the lies that fuel the war machine business model? Why?

The ONLY way to be an artist is to NOT edit yourself for money. THIS is what I was trying to teach you, Kanye. You have gotten it totally backwards. I'm not sure what went wrong. It might not be my fault or your father's fault. Well trained vaginas and mouths have long been known to undermine great parents and lobotomize many once-promising men.

You are obviously feeling pressure to konform to the ridiculously shallow family values of your new Klan, my dear dumb son. Tell that bitch, Kris, the whore monger and her multiplying brood of narcissistic, surgically altered, fame-addicts that you are an artist and you will do what you want. That family figured out how to make a stiff like Anna Wintour fall head over heels for an amateur porn actress and her uglier, dumber sisters, so let them figure out how to market you, as you are, uncensored.

Well, I have to go back to Heaven, Kanye. Me, Maya and Jackie are having Mothers' Day Margaritas with the Daughters of the American Revolution, women from the Rana Plaza Factory collapse and some beautiful Palestinian girls. But before I go my dumb son, let me give you one piece of very good advice. If those ridiculous women in your new family find anything you say offensive, I'd consider that a green light to keep talking. And Kanye, give up fashion design. People really do not need any more celebrity branded clothes made in Bangladeshi sweat shops. Oh and don't look at any of the pictures of Kim with Kris Humphries because she actually smiled back then and looked really happy when she was married to him until she dumped him to sign a better business contract with you.

OK? I still love you, you dummy.  Now smarten up or I'm gonna start telling people that you were adopted. Thanks.

Mama OUT!

*corplantation: check out Chuck D's twitter feed for the official definition. That's a word he coined that says everything about everything.