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Friday, February 26, 2016

TODAY'S BREAKING NEWS

Madonna interrupts a musical concert to exact some verbal revenge on her former personal trainer, Nicole Winhoffer, for sleeping with her boyfriend because every man should prefer a manipulative narcissist who thinks her audience has nothing better to worry about than a famous woman's well-worn, abandoned vagina and her need to avenge it. The inappropriately named, corrupt, traffic stopping, Governor of New Jersey, Chris Christie endorses former NBC star and current 'White Supremacist darling' and Neo-Nazi Mascot, Donald Trump for President of the United States of America. The tit of a young heiress fell out of her top on the runway during fashion week. Bo Derek regrets being a home wrecker 40 years too late. The People Vs. OJ Simpson tried to re-write Kris Jenner with a soul while her ex-husband Caitlyn Jenner twirled in a wedding dress and met with super predator Hillary Clinton for ratings. Katy Perry might be Jon Benet Ramsey according to some lunatics with computers and internet access. Kanye West keeps verbally attacking the incredibly talented, generous and hardworking superstar Taylor Swift in public with the full and loving, barely literate, emoji-studded, social media support of his kalculated and kompetitive porn star wife Kim because 'being decent human beings' is not on their to-do list. Mark Zuckerberg deeply regrets hiring some persistent racists and is determined to do something about it. Apple CEO, super patriot and privacy defender, Tim Cook reveals he has the biggest, most beautiful set of brass balls in the world! Steve Jobs. Hero. Savior. Genius. Visionary. Rest In Peace. I miss your soul. Admitted CIA agent Gloria Steinem doesn't understand young women or young women's issues and Lands' End pays the price. Governor Snyder of Flint, Michigan thinks kicking himself every single day is a suitable enough punishment for poisoning thousands of people. GOP Senator Lindsey Graham admits, "My party has gone bat shit crazy." Another mass shooting forces President Barack Obama to continue ruling over a nation of depressed and defeated people who apparently don't want to fix their society at all and are perfectly content to kill each other when they could be living the American Dream and taking selfies with wax statues of Kelly Ripa and Michael Strahan. Civilization is crumbling down around you as you read this. JLO will not let the endless and horrific ethnic slaughtering of Palestinians stop her from shaking her curvaceous money maker over in Israel for money. The former pop-star playmate of P.Diddy performed for dictators before, like Turkmenistan, President Gurbanguly Berdimuhamedow and it's no different than performing for the less violent idiots who like her crappy music. Sir Elton John came for Janet Jackson with his claws out because the famous sister of superfreak Michael Jackson was lip synching and that offends people who really sing for a living. Chris Rock is busy getting ready to help the Oscars not look racist.