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Saturday, August 27, 2016

THE HEART WANTS WHAT IT WANTS


By Sara Cazim

Every day the news is reporting somewhere in America a female teacher is having sex with her young students. Today is no different. Justice dodging educator Dee Rangedslut was let out of the big house and has already been spied by various people walking by a playground, a children's shoe store and a toy shop promising a guaranteed Pokemon sighting. Rangedslut admitted during a press conference earlier today that being in jail for having sex with one of her students has done little to diminish her sex drive and one wonders if the punishment for seducing an innocent eighth grade boy was severe enough. “She should never see the light of day.”, one boy's mother cried. “People like this don’t change. You know what she said? She said, 'the heart wants what it wants.' She's disgusting. I had a child in her class. I want to break her head open. Believe it! We should be using scarlet letters in this country. Shaming people on social media is not slowing any one down.”

Probation officers will likely have their hands full with  a predator like Ms. Rangedslut. Her newly created facebook page lists her favorite movies as: Cloak and Dagger, Harry Potter, Home Alone, Home Alone 2, The Bad News Bears, Richie Rich and L.I.E.. Her favorite musician according to her online profile is Michael Junior and she already has 15 Facebook posts lamenting that she never had a chance to meet the young Belgian crooner when he was really young. “She will be a handful for a less experienced P.O.”, officer Kennedy explained. “A teacher is a smart person. A smart person can always be a big problem for law enforcement.”

Meanwhile faculty at the school wonder what ever happened to her young victim, Johnny Doe. “It’s really very sad. I heard he became the world's youngest Chippendale’s dancer, shamelessly glistening under hot lights while gyrating for desperate housewives and drunk bachelorettes.”, one of Rangedslut’s former colleagues said. Another teacher disagreed, “No that isn’t true. I heard the kid is studying to be a lawyer because he wants to protect other young boys from being seduced by sexy women who are way too old and mentally ill for them.” A third former colleague rolled her eyes. “He isn’t going to be a lawyer. He’s going to be a carnival worker. That’s what happens to victims of crazed sluts.”

Pornography addicts seem to be the only people pleased with Rangedslut’s recent release. “She didn’t do anything wrong. She was an amazing teacher. She taught Johnny things that all boys want to learn but don’t know they want to learn until they learn it. If you are asking me what I think should happen to this woman, I think she should be elected President of the United States or at least President of the  Boys & Girls club of America.”

Playboy Magazine subscriber Matt Sturbater agrees with other Dee Rangedslut supporters. “There is no such thing as a boy being too young for a good sex education. Howard Stern was just saying the other day that he had a Playboy subscription since he was about 13 and he is totally fine.” Someone claiming to be Howard Stern’s psychiatrist disagrees. “I see Howard about three times a week. I was seeing him four days a week until recently. Howard’s parents getting him a subscription to Playboy when he was so young screwed him up big time. He was just a little boy and having page after page of older voiceless, smiling ladies getting totally naked for his pleasure gave him the impression that just because he is a man he is entitled to women who are physically perfect, complaint free, and at his service.”

Women’s rights activists weigh in during a public rally to put Rangedslut back behind bars because they don't want her living in a city that has young boys in it. “Dee Rangedslut is a disgrace to women everywhere. She should be illegal. Perverts are the problem and female perverts are just as bad as male perverts. Female perverts just get pregnant and make more perverts. It’s a never ending cycle of creepy, weirdness that must be stopped if we are ever going to have an equal society like we do in the future as depicted in Star Trek. In Star Trek everyone is equal, unless you are an alien.”

Child development specialist and author Yvonne Mojica who authored the book, “May December Mayhem: A Look At Sexual Child Abuse In American Schools” frowns deeply when asked her opinion about Rangedslut. “Dee Rangedslut is a classic pedophile. She sees herself as the victim and Father Time as the villain. If I had to make any predictions I would guess that Dee Rangedslut is probably online, right now, looking for Johnny Doe’s contact info so that they can finally be together. She will reach out to him in hopes of rekindling “their romance.” I hope that the bouncers at the club where he supposedly dances for money know how to handle a predator as persistent as this woman. Delusions about love can make a normal woman do irrational things. What it does to an abnormal woman, who is in love with a little boy with a bowl haircut... that is too crazy to measure.”

Schools all over the city are on high alert. Warning posters of Dee Rangedslut are plastered all over video game stores and ice cream parlors. Cops in New Jersey have been told to keep an eye out for her at Great Adventure although news reports claim the Jersey officers laughed and tore up the memos. “Are they kidding me? There are way worse criminals out there. Does anyone realize that Tony Soprano lives in New Jersey? This lady is no danger to any man unless she wants to get married.”

Whether or not Dee Rangedslut is still a danger to boys is yet to be seen. Finding a job will be hard for her unless there are rich parents who want a masseuse for their young sons. Hopefully the sicko teacher will learn a valuable lesson: It’s not right for a teacher to pet the teachers pet. Society shouldn't stand for it. Our children deserve frigid teachers.